Mommy, the warrior princess! I am a fighter!
Lots of change, lots of change.
I use to look around my house, look at my kids, look at their stuff and tell myself that someday I would be able to reclaim my home and make it mine. Ours, but mine. As a mom of 4, all with in a short age range, there has always been drawings on the walls, and finger prints everywhere. There use to be tongue prints on the windows, because yes, my children would lick them. No I’m not kidding. In the winter, when the house was warm and the air was cold, there were various designs smudged into the fog of the glass. My one son had this uncanny way of drawing spaceships that looked very phallic. The neighbor would text me “penis at 9 o’clock”. When we added dogs to the mix, the prints on the windows became nose prints, and honestly, I’m not real sure if the kids have quit licking the windows or not, but I do know that the mess ends at a certain height, so I’ll claim it to be dog noses and that’s that.
At the same time, I use to look at myself and tell myself that someday I would reclaim my body. I had this dream that at some point everything would just fall into some sort of magical place. Kids would stop licking things, touching things, drawing on things & I would suddenly be able to manage all of the stresses in my life in a healthy positive fashion. I also use to tell myself that I was happy with my weight. That I was healthy despite being obese, and that it didn’t matter what the world thought of me.
So, we know that the happy with my weight thing was a bunch of crap. I didn’t even know how unhappy I was until I had lost it and looked back at photos. Healthy? The house? Lets talk about a house filled with kids and animals, more laundry than any normal home should have, and the attitude that my house is my children’s home and if you don’t like the chaos, you can leave. I will stand behind the fact that my house is my children’s home. But since I’ve been home with children in school, I’ve realized that my house is MY home too damn it. And I want my house to be everything I dreamed my home to be. I have a BEAUTIFUL big house. But its been abused by beastlings and beasts alike. So, this weekend the paint was purchased. The big black bags were filled with the old, broken and abandoned toys. I treated myself to a Hoover Floormate and I may be in love. My floors, OH MY FLOORS. My floors are happy floors. Tomorrow the painting begins.
And finally, my husband convinced me to take the leap. I joined a gym!
Now there is a little something I have not shared here, it didn’t seem to fit in. But here it applies, so here it goes. I was diagnosed with a degenerative muscle disease a few months ago. I was getting clumsy and weak and after a series of different tests, there it was. Now, what disease? We don’t know. I have not had a muscle biopsy. It seems to be progressing slowly and I’m happy with that. BUT, it was a blow that I wasn’t expecting and it hit me hard. I had a big fat pity party for a few months. I quit hiking, because I was scared I would fall. I stopped moving. I gained some weight. I wallowed. Then, I started to come around. And here we are. So… Yeah… I joined a gym.
And at the gym I will be working on strengthening those muscles that are weak right now. I got the okay from my doc. We’ll see how it goes. But I have two choices. I can accept this diagnoses and let it just take my strength from me, or I can use the strength I have right now to build more strength and fight. I have never EVER not been a fighter.
So there it is, lots of change. I have a not very lady like saying that applies to these changes “balls to the wall, or not at all” that’s the way I have always been. Its been far too much not at all.